I had a major realization lately that I’ve been focusing too much on the physical world. I lost two people I really loved in the past 6 weeks. Recognizing mortality is a buzz kill when trying to be actively engaged with life – but we have to. Death is eventually coming for all of us and there’s no reason to be in denial about it.

I’ve mentioned this sentiment in blog posts before – that I don’t love the deterministic aspects of astrology. To quote Rilke: “The future stands firm, but we move in infinite space.”  While it’s true that fate exists and we have to relinquish control in this regard – there is no doubt in my mind that free will still holds the cards.

If life is like a game show, then what exists behind doors 1, 2 and 3 are all fate. There are multiple realities that exist simultaneously. We can get so hung up on the free will part that it’s debilitating actually having to choose.

“Can’t I have what’s behind all three doors?” Absolutely not – and why would you want that? That would be a serious muddle. I had an ex-partner who struggled with FOMO so hard that making a decision about anything threw him into an anxious panic. “It’s just pizza, for godsake.” Try telling that to someone who feels like every choice they’ve made in life has led them to regretful circumstances.

We can get so caught up in being alive and making choices that we can easily forget the possibility that we didn’t actually choose to be here. I’m not trying to be too esoteric here. If we believe that the only reason we exist on this planet is because our parents chose to procreate, then that means we had no hand in one of the biggest decisions of our lives: to incarnate in a physical body.

Is it possible that maybe we did choose to incarnate while being a disembodied entity? This is a question mystics and astrologers have pondered for millennia. There’s no way to prove this to those who are only looking for evidence-based materialism.

One way of looking at it that I feel requires little argument is that the decision to live an organic-based life is not a singular decision. Solar radiation creates a life force that could never be singular – or even human for that matter. Matter is simply radiation (energy) seeking tangible expression. From neurons to mycellium – there’s a tactile need to seek out opportunities. Otherwise, we’re just ambling forever out in space.

I don’t believe that the Cosmos is governed solely by structure or even order. Chaos plays a huge role out there. I think solar radiation contains infinite possibilities of how life forms are created, but it tends to take on the forms that have already been established. I’m not particularly attached to being human, for example. It’s just a version of life I’ve grown accustomed to. Like what Rupert Sheldrake coined as Morphic Resonance. There is memory that exists in the environments that surround us that inform, or instruct, how DNA develops; how species learn certain information without direct experience.

Here’s a paranormal example of this that I’ve been talking about a lot recently. My car broke down in July 2023 and I had to ride my bike to work in New Orleans for about 7 months. It was an easy, fun ride actually. Compared to riding my bike in Los Angeles (which was terrifying), this felt incredibly safe.

About 2 or 3 months in, when I would ride through this particular block of Esplanade Ave, I had this intense vision of someone with a baseball bat aimed at my face and knocking me off my bike. I chalked it up to my active imagination, which I’ve had my whole life, but it was still pretty intense.

A regular at the bar where I worked was very concerned when I told her I was riding my bike to work. “Oh my god, I’d be way too afraid to ride my bike in New Orleans.” she said. “When I first moved here, someone with a baseball bat was knocking people off their bikes and robbing them”. I didn’t tell her about my freaky vision.

Even before hearing this story, I chose not to ride my bike with my wallet on me. I might carry a little cash with me if necessary, but I usually rode home after work.

How can we explain this vision I had? The memory of those events were imprinted in the environment, which we can consider something like The Field (check out the book by Lynne McTaggart). Like walking into a house and it feeling haunted by particular events that occurred there. Not everyone can sense this energy, but many of us can.

I’ve experienced a lot of death in my life. The older I get, the more I realize there’s a reason for it. I incarnated to understand that the physical world is not the end all be all. It’s just the one that feels familiar.

The friends of mine who recently died: one had been a quadriplegic for 20 years but still managed to remain an incredible musician; the other was a love of my life I had only known for two years, who abused his body with alcohol and cigarettes – also a talented musician. Neither of them were operating much from their physical bodies anymore. Not that they didn’t want to have physical experiences anymore. It was just that circumstances in life had turned their bodies into prisons.

What is the meaning of life? There are many answers, but the simplest one would be a desire for experience. That varies from person to person. For one person, it might be the experience of parenting and witnessing their children grow into adulthood. For another, it might be producing a creative work that many will read, see or listen to long after their death.

For others, life might seem devoid of meaning, but that could be because they’re searching too hard. Sometimes, the answer is really basic. Rarely does someone have a life with no struggle or tragedy. Does that make life meaningless? Not at all. You just have to find at least one thing that’s worth living for.

You have to believe that your life has meaning simply because you’re here. Awful things will happen. Death will happen. None of us can escape that. But what if you found at least one thing that made you get up in the morning?

You don’t have to be attached to that special thing – you just have to love it. The ability to touch or connect with something, whether living or non-living, is the simplest grace of life. It’s so easy to forget this that we often do. I’m not saying we shouldn’t be outraged about politics or social issues. That will certainly be at least one person’s reason for getting up in the morning.

I can continue to love my friends who have passed on and honor what I loved about them, rather than focusing on them not physically being here anymore. In my memories, they are alive as ever – and I think they would appreciate that. It’s the reason humans create altars to honor the dead; why we pray or meditate. It was their spirit that we fell in love with. Their bodies were just the home they used to live in.

Forgive me if you think I sound ridiculous, but this is helping me in my grief. As I was writing it, I didn’t feel grief at all, actually. Hopefully it is helping someone else out there too.